Well…Hellloooo

It’s a rough playing field out there. Being middle aged and trying to embrace this new journey…kids are adults now, and I’ve got a great handle on my balance. But it is a new path in life…and a little rough…parenting young adults has it own challenges, learning which friends to cut ties with because you just don’t want bullshit around you anymore, and the single life at this age? It’s nothing but a comedy of entertainment, disappointments, and hope. I just want to keep laughing…maybe at myself, or just these new adventures I encounter as a 46 year old, single mom, cancer survivor, bad ass (in my own mind of course). Let’ the laughter begin…

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Swiping Left or Right: Building the basics of your dating profile, starting with pics. 

Let’s face it…dating apps are the total norm for meeting people nowadays…whether it’s a hook up, to just hangout or you’re looking for someone to connect and grow with, this is the modern tool we have to meet other singles, so let’s make the best of it! Your profile is your resume to the dating world so it should have great pics, a luring bio, and honest intentions. I mean, we are pimping ourselves out for potential dates, right? We do need to capture the interest of the beholder first…and then go from there. I am by no means a dating professional but I am a woman and I do know what makes me swipe left immediately, or stop on a pic to open the profile and read it, and then perhaps swipe right…or left. So if you’re on a dating app and reading this…please consider what I’m saying…I know the apps give tips and suggestions about profile pics. But let’s be honest…there are some things in profiles that are eye catching…and these could be good or bad!

Profile Pictures

Ok I am no fool to filters, photoshopping, and camera angles for flattering photo ops. My sissy Rache and I can’t stop laughing about how we always want the camera at the higher angle to flatter and contour our round Filipino faces!!! But that’s all fun and games. I’m not sure how guilty guys are of this, but us girls do it for sure!!! A few profile pics of just your face isn’t too bad. I do not mean like a DMV or passport photo. But a nice, clear pic of your face, just you. I like them because I’m all about teeth. I like to see people’s teeth. Odd, I know, but we all have our quirks. Avoid too many pics with sunglasses or hats…what are you hiding? If bank policies ask you to remove sunglasses, hats and hoods, it’s because they want to see your face clearly. Same with a dating profile. LOL.

For group pics….use pics with a balance of the opposite sex. If you’re a guy, too many women in group photos look like you’re just a fuckboy. If you are great, but most single woman don’t want to see it (yet, lol). I’ve seen some profiles where guys have graciously explained who the women are (i.e., sisters, best friends, brothers’ wives, best friend’s wife and her besties etc). Just save your character counts and use a different pic. It’s easier. For gals, really? You with pics of all guys…men do not want to compete with ALL these other guys for your attention. And why would you want to look like “one of the guys”? You’re a lady. Pick a different picture to post. Or get left swiped. LOL. Be mindful of too many pics with the same friend or person. After a few dates the connection failed, and this guy told my friend she should change her profile pics because it misleads people to think they’re meeting her friend. LOL. We thought it was funny since she is a 5’11 tall blonde, and I’m a 5’0 Filipino chick. I’m sure he just said that to be a jerk because her profile had tons of solo pics, but I made a mental note of it. LOL.

What I’m about to write next, some may find offensive but I don’t care because I am one of the chicks checking out your profile, and I’m a parent too. Do not include pictures of your kids!!! Yes we are all proud of our children no matter what their ages are, they’re our beautiful spawn and we want everyone to know that they are our top priority. If you’re a parent, the kids better be your top priority because if not, that speaks volumes for your character. I’m just saying. But you really shouldn’t be posting pictures of your kids on a public domain. There are crazies out there. There’s already risks that we are voluntarily subjecting ourselves to by being on a dating app, why are you involving your kids?? Just don’t include your kids period…this is for dating…introduce them only if the person is worthy of meeting your babies, and the time is right for you, the kids, and your new mate.

Multiple (or excessive) traveling or drinking pics…I know the apps recommend using traveling pics or adventurous pics, but nearly every picture??? Overkill on the adventure. And someone could be intimidated by your grand worldliness, this awesome match may have never traveled and may feel a little shy because of it. The drinking pics??? We all love our drunken foolish pictures!!! But post those on social media, not your dating profile. If you have too many drinking pics, or every picture you’re holding a beer or a wine glass, it leaves the impression that you may have a problem…or you’re a party goer 24/7…yuck…unless of course you’re looking for the same. In that case, knock yourself out.

Most importantly, please use recent pictures!!! Nobody is interested in what you looked like 10 years ago. There’s nothing worse that going somewhere and looking for your date, and you don’t recognize them…because the person you’re looking for from their profile is in the past. LOL. Especially when it comes to physique. A lot of guys have told me that they’ve walked into the place looking for their date, and they’re floored (and annoyed for expecting the person in the pic) by what appears. Don’t embarrass yourself. Embrace who you are TODAY. And speaking of body types, let’s stop posting half naked pictures. It’s practically pornographic. I get it, you work hard for that rockin’ body…but leave something to the imagination. Yes, women like to undress men with our eyes too. Sexy isn’t about the body, so don’t make it like that’s all you’re worth.

I think that’s all I have to say about profile pictures for now. Be real. Be beautiful. Be you….but be intriguing.

Family Estrangement…removing yourself from your toxic family

I read this article in a psychology magazine about being estranged from your family. It sounds crazy, right? I mean when your family, or certain members aren’t physically abusive, you sort of turn your head and just accept the emotional bullying. After all, how many times throughout life have you taken those punches to your feelings or your ego, and then told yourself, “that’s just how it is, whatever”?  Well, the article confirmed that it is not acceptable to endure such treatment so distance may be the only healthy answer. Plus, in this new glory of self-care, why should we still take that kind of bullshit?? We don’t tolerate from friends, coworkers, significant others, or spouses. Why should we take this abuse from family? 

I remember when my therapist asked me why I allowed my sisters to hurt my feelings repeatedly, I had responded with, “That’s just how it is, I’m the baby of the family”. She was floored. Here I was a forty-something year old with a damn masters degree in psychology, taking shit from my sisters just because I’m the youngest. She replied, “Fuck that…and fuck them. You’re a damn adult. They’re just your sisters! Who the hell do they think they are telling you that your decisions have to involve them because you’re the baby?!! You don’t need negative people like that in your life”. That was my last appointment with her. Not because I was angry at her, but because she was absolutely right. Both of my sisters criticize the way I parent, the choices I make in men, how I handle my health, and everything else that requires me to make a decision. I also realized whenever either of my sisters needed me, I was there. The dog dies…I rush to my sister in California to console her. My oldest sister and her marital problems, I rush to her house to get the kids so they didnt have to hear their parents fighting. Then I finally remembered me. When I was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery, then radiation, I didn’t get one visit from my sister in California. No help from my oldest sister who lived 3 minutes up the street either. Just texts asking how I was feeling…I have cancer…I’m fucking over the moon. Sheesh. How the hell do you think I feel??? My teenage kids took care of me and our household. I’ve got great kids (despite the fact that my sisters think I should parent better). My sisters did not go to any, I mean, ANY appointments with me. My friends came…even when the doctor thought the cancer had spread. My friend took the day off and held my hand while I was having needles placed in my neck to get biopsies. My sisters said, “keep us posted” in a group text. When I got the negative results back, my friends and I celebrated. My sisters never even asked about them…daily life just continued on. 

I was constantly treated like I’m a problem. Honestly, I think my one sister is an ass and injects her opinion where it’s not welcomed or asked for. Especially when it comes to my kids, oh mind you…she doesn’t have children. She always has something to say like she is some type of wise owl or guru. My oldest sister allows her husband and his family to rule over her. And of course they all have something to say about the way I raised my kids…usually to the tune of me being too lenient for their standards, or I’m not guiding them properly. My kids are beautiful human beings with good hearts and very well mannered, strong willed, and independent. They’re confident, and make sound, well thought out decisions when necessary. We are the Power of 3…we have a bond, and I wouldn’t have done a damn thing differently in raising them. 

My sisters had always made me feel like I am an inadequate individual as a child and as an adult…plus a half-ass mother. But my therapist made me remember what I truly already knew…I am one bad ass motherfucker. I singlehandedly put two good human beings into society as responsible adults. I bought a house to raise my kids in on my own. I have a successful career. I obtained a bachelors and masters while working full time and being a single mom. Let me add that I held a 4.0GPA in the masters program while I was going through my cancer journey. I am pretty. I am intelligent. I am funny. I care about others. I am a good person.  My sisters are the problem, not me. They made me doubt my self worth by constantly throwing punches with their opinions, their rules, their bullshit. 

I rarely speak to either of them now.  I moved across town so I don’t need to run into my oldest sister at the grocery store. I don’t visit my hometown anymore where my other sister still lives. Their thoughts, opinions, words, and actions are toxic. And I don’t need that in my life. Nobody does. I mean, what makes anyone think they should have such power and influence over your life and over your children just because of birth order???  My answer: my sisters are sibling bullies who are toxic to mental health and overall well-being. I need peace in my life. My family are my two kids and my friends. My chosen sisters may not be blood, but they are my lifeline…my barkada. 

Dating Etiquette: the Lost Art of Social Manners

Dick pics. Sexting. Booty Calls. DTF (down to fuck). Let me see your tits…what the hell happened here? I get it…we are grown ass adults and many people feel they should be upfront with what they want in dating. BUT we all aren’t like this…trust me…so please feel the waters out first before you decide to send unsolicited dick pics. 

A lot of us, well probably most of us singles, have tried a dating app or two. While I do know a few people who have successfully found their mate online…there were a lot of frogs to go through before they found their Prince Charming. So I commend the profiles who are honest about their intentions…NSA sex, FWB only, hook ups only, etc. but for those who are not listing these explicit and say they are interested in meeting someone and potentially find a mate…can we please use our manners???? 

For some, like myself…I like to message or talk on the phone a few times before meeting. Others want to meet immediately. I’ve been told that if someone doesn’t want to meet immediately, they’re probably a scam or a catfish. I’m neither, I just want to get a good vibe first. I don’t want to waste my time or theirs if I’m not feeling it thru messaging or on the phone. I like funny people and witty, you can usually get a sense of this. Plus I’m not down to fuck, and I don’t want dick pics…I don’t care how hot you are and how great you are on paper…obscene texts or messages asking if I like big dicks or saying my lips look like I give good blow jobs are NOT flattering or enticing. But hey, that’s just me. And these types of messages usually surface after a few exchanges. I’d rather have to encounter this ill mannered behavior via messaging than in person. LoL. I’m not uptight, or a prude by any means…but most likely if you send me a dick pic, I’m probably going to show all of my friends so we can laugh about what a sorry ass sicko you are…I’m just saying to have some manners for chrissakes, you perverted muthatrucker. LOL. 

Dating at 46… Date #1…

Dating. It’s a lot harder than one may think. I have great stats…or so I think. I’m educated and I’m low key, easy going and funny, and I’m pretty. People actually are shocked when I say I’m 46…but I’m Filipino and blessed with designer genes that hold my age well. My kids are young adults and I handle my shit…I don’t need a sponsor, a husband, or a father for my kids..I just want someone who’ll show up for me, go out and stay home, and just laugh with me. And I don’t have absolute qualifications for the guy…ok well I do require some height, like at least 5’9, meat on their bones, a dazzling smile, employed, and is clean and tidy…those few things are my absolutes. But when you’re 46, the pool of reasonable fish is rough…I’ve learned that a lot of guys my age group have small children, baby mama drama, and look like they’re several months pregnant. So what’s the other option? Younger guys who fit the bill of qualifications, right? Well yes of course…but then they want kids, or label me as a “cougar” or a MILF, really??? People are still using those terms? Case in point…last night’s date….

I met this guy at our Martini bar spot a couple of weeks ago. He was funny and easy going. He’s 36, educated and sounded like he handles his business, so when he asked me to dinner, I accepted the invitation…first, let me explain that I really don’t like going to dinner on a first date. I don’t want to be locked down for about an hour with someone who may be rude to the service staff or a bad tipper, or just plainly ill-mannered so I usually just like to meet for happy hour or coffee. But we had texted all week and talked on the phone a few times and he just seemed cool. So dinner was planned. And honestly, I was excited for a fun date night. He’s a nice black guy who’s educated, long term employed, and outgoing. I only mention his ethnicity because I want to make sure you know I am not selective of any particular race or ethnic background.

7:30. We agreed to meet at 7:30…and we both live about 20 minutes away from the meeting spot. I arrive and call him to see if he’s there yet, he says he’s about five minutes away because he forgot his wallet and had to go back. So I go in and get seated. Five minutes pass. Screw it, I ordered a beer. Minutes pass, and I’m almost done with the beer. He’s almost twenty minutes late. I’m almost put off, but I’m good. He finally strolls in and I stand up to give him a hug. I’m 5’0. I was wearing heeled wedges…and I was practically eye to eye with him. Fuck. Late and short. Not good. Then the hug. I’m a hugger and I give meaningful hugs. I thought I was going to give him a spinal adjustment with my hug. So skinny. This isn’t heading towards a good path. Late. Short. Skinny. Damnit.

He orders dinner for both of us because I’ve never done this Sukiyaki. My definition would be something like Korean BBQ meets Pho. So food was great, then I looked at him to say something…his eyes were glassy, red, and lowered. This fucker was high on weed. Seriously? I asked. He said yes. Wow. Late. Short. Skinny…and stoned. All I kept thinking was …fuck, I’m having dinner with stoned Chris Rock and I want to leave. Clearly there was no spark or evidence of chemistry…on my part. For him, he kept touching my knee and my leg, and sat with his arm around me. I ordered another beer. This isn’t going well. Then he said it. He said he couldn’t believe I’m 46…and identified me as a cougar because he’s only 36…then he went there…called me a MILF. Then he kept saying he wanted to see me sing at karaoke. I insisted (over and over) that I do not sing. But he kept at it. Here, I think he was stereotyping me…Filipino and Karaoke. Yep, stereotyping.  I downed the beer and ordered another, pulled my phone out and texted my best friend demanding she and her boyfriend meet us a bar…after all, he did suggest that.

Scene 2: the Martini bar. Local ladies get one free Martini so I ordered my free one and he ordered his drink. We finished. He ordered himself a beer and asked me if I liked Stella. Yes of course, who doesn’t like an ice cold Stella??? Oh he didn’t order me one. Nor did he ask if I wanted another drink. You’re probably wondering if the conversation was at least as good as it was on our phone calls. Nope. We barely talked. Sports and karaoke were the hot topics. I said I loved hockey because it’s so fast and the fights make me laugh. He took that as I have violent streak in me. So he kept saying,  “We need to fix your love for violence” and “I want you to sing karaoke”. I’m now 4 more drinks in me and thank goodness my best friend and her guy showed up. I was done, I wanted to go home. But I’m a sport and suggested to dance. Bad suggestion. On the dance floor, about two minutes into the song, he slowly turn me around so he can grind me from behind. Ok that’s it…I’m done with this night….

I thought I handled this well. Let’s go over the night again…Late. Short. Skinny. High. Boring conversation. Cougar. MILF. Stereotyping. Grinding on the dance floor…yeah Date #1 was not happening…for a nice guy he managed to do everything a girl doesn’t want on a first date. Oh did I mention, he kept touching the small of my back and kept putting his arm around me and touching my legs?????? Even when I would adjust my position to avoid it…he still did it.

This was my first date in about a year. FML. Fuck My Life. It can’t be this rough. This is just one date. I lost a Friday night of reading a book, watching a movie, and going to bed early. I don’t think I’ll give up though…I’ll try again. Date #1/Stoned Chris Rock = epic fail. Next…..